I had been praying for months about the situation. We hadn’t been married long, but already there was a growing conflict. This man I trusted and cared so deeply for was becoming distant…    then cold…   and at times just plain cruel. 

If you ask why I believe God is who He says He is, it’s because I’ve experienced so much of His power and love through prayer. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home, but was supernaturally drawn to God at a young age. Some of my first prayers were to know God better. And soon after, friends invited me to church where I heard the gospel. 

Prayer is a vital part of my life. It aligns my heart with the truth that God is God and I am not. It’s a way to worship and surrender. In prayer, the Spirit shows me the sin in my heart. And as I confess and repent, I receive assurance and gospel peace. Praying Scripture grows my wisdom. Praying for others grows my compassion. Prayers of lament help comfort and strengthen me. 

It’s impossible to count all the ways God has heard and answered my prayers! I’ve seen miracles. I’ve seen physical healings. I’ve seen Him provide financially and with other needed items. I’ve seen Him put the same exact Scripture or vision on many people’s hearts to show He is guiding His church. And most importantly of all, I’ve seen Him regenerate hearts from spiritual death to life.

So, when my heart was hurting over my marriage, I would pray. I asked for help seeing my own sins that were part of our conflicts. I asked God to open his eyes and soften his heart as well. I prayed that he would join me in counseling. I believe (and I’ve seen it in others) that when two people humbly seek to grow in God’s definition of love and mercy, it results in a beautiful picture of Christ and the church. That was my hope for us. 

And here’s what happened: he divorced me. And not in a civil way either. He attacked every single part of my character and faith on his way out. 

If that’s not the direction you thought the story was going, well, that’s a glimpse into how confusing and heartbreaking that time was for me!

Have you ever prayed hard for something, something that is a GOOD thing to ask for, something that would be a beautiful testimony of the gospel…  but God said no? For weeks, I cried out, “Why, Lord?! I don’t understand!” I questioned His goodness and care for me. I wondered if I was being punished for past sins. (which isn’t true. Rom. 8:1) More than anything, I was in a fog of shame about yet another broken relationship. I struggled to pray (thanks to my dear friends who sat with me and prayed over me). 

But day by day and truth by truth, I accepted it. God allowed that man’s heart to harden toward me. He didn’t intervene. And I had to surrender to His Sovereign Wisdom. God is all-knowing, all-powerful Creator. I am a created being, limited in knowledge and understanding. His ways are not my ways. My life is but a tiny part of God’s bigger story of redemption. I can’t see how all the details will unfold, but He assures me it ALL works out for my good. (Rom. 8:28) 

As distance from that relationship grew, I saw things more clearly. The relationship wasn’t healthy. And we were not on the same page about why or how to fix it. For the sake of my own growth and closure, I sought counseling to self-reflect and learn how I contributed to our problems. It was insightful and encouraging. 

And with that, I realized the main issue in our marriage wasn’t unresolved conflict. It was that we were unequally yoked (2 Cor. 6:14), which essentially means we were guided by different authorities. I originally thought we were “yoked,” but the closer we got, the more evident it was that Christ is not King of his heart. In fact, one day he directly told me so. (Ladies learn from my naivety: If a man isn’t actively part of a church and in the Word when you meet, then him joining you in those things while you date is most likely not genuine.)

The most freeing part of it all, which has also been the hardest, was God calling me to repent of a deep heart idol that got me into this whole situation to begin with. An idol is anything besides God that we look to for ultimate satisfaction, identity, and security. For much of my life, I have idolized romantic relationships. Because of this, I haven’t guarded my heart as I should. (Prov. 4:23) I’ve rushed into relationships because of the fear of being alone. I’ve ignored red flags (of others and my own). I’ve convinced myself I see “potential” that may or may not have been real. And this is a whole other story on it’s own, but the relationship I was in before this one was abusive and ended while he was under church discipline… Looking back, it’s painfully obvious to me that I shouldn’t have even considered dating when I did.

We all have idols of the heart. I see a lot of relationship idols in others, especially women. I’m sharing my vulnerabilities because I’ve experienced the freedom and outpour of grace that comes from repentance. It is a gift when God reveals our sins and weaknesses to us. “He has torn us, that he may heal us!” (Hosea 6:1)

I have been living that “fear” of being alone for over a year now. It’s been wonderful! I feel more content with my life than ever before. Many of my friends attest to seeing this in me. The Lord continually amazes me with all the different ways He takes care of me. I’m back to being a Theology nerd! My relationship with my kids, though it’s always been sweet, has grown stronger through the healing process. And as you can see by this blog, I’m embracing my story and speaking truth in place of shame. 

In the same journal where I begged and pleaded for God to save the marriage, I eventually wrote this: “While no one can make me sin or is responsible for my faith walk, I have come to see that the relationship pulled me down. It didn’t encourage my relationship with God. It most often hindered it. And I am better without him. Thank you, Lord.”

I’d be lying if I said I never think about my ex or the “what ifs.” What if God had saved the marriage? What if we were able to reconcile through mutual repentance and love? When those thoughts come I pray, now with much more surrender and trust. I thank Him for where He has me. I thank Him for deepening my hope through the hard times. And I also pray that my ex, who I still care for, would one day receive true peace and joy that comes from knowing Christ. This is eternally more important than our relationship ever was.